Even in 2024, many of us, regardless of age or gender, still attach significance to the number of sexual partners we've had. But does keeping track or worrying about this number only amplify underlying insecurities? Olivia Petter explores this question.

Psychologist Louise Goddard-Crawley notes, "The feeling of shame associated with sleeping with too many people often stems from outdated societal norms, cultural values, and gender stereotypes." These feelings are tied to old perceptions about sex, often shaped by these outdated norms (Getty).

Numbers in Life

We often let numbers define our lives: the number of bedrooms in our home, how many attempts it took to pass a driving test, how many marriages we've had, and so on. One number, however, seems to carry more weight than the rest: the number of people we've slept with. While some may consider it juvenile to track this figure (though plenty of adults keep a list on their phones), most people are familiar with their "number." This is because for many, it holds significant meaning.

Recently, a woman expressed concern about the number of sexual partners she had to “The Midults” advice column in The Daily Telegraph. She shared, "I wish I hadn’t slept with so many men. I’m in my mid-forties, have been with a lovely man for many years, and suddenly feel haunted by all the bodies I’ve encountered, especially since most of the sex was unsatisfying. I don’t know why I’m suddenly bothered by it.”

In response, Annabel Rivkin and Emilie McMeekan assured her that societal expectations should not lead her to feel ashamed about her sexual history. However, overcoming these feelings isn’t always straightforward, especially for women. Emma-Louise Boynton, founder of Sex Talks, notes, "We still hold onto such an archaic view of this subject. There's so much judgment placed on women for having a ‘higher body count,’ while men often wear it as a badge of pride instead of shame."

Double Standards and Social Scripts

This double standard is deeply ingrained. It's the classic Madonna-whore complex: women who express their sexuality are relegated to the latter category, while those who don't fit neatly into the former. Reality TV, such as ITV2’s Love Island, perpetuates this script. Season after season, contestants guess how many people each other has slept with. Men with high numbers are cheered, while women with similar figures are scrutinized, often criticized in terms like “I can’t believe her body count,” reinforcing judgment.

Psychologist Dr. Louise Goddard-Crawley explains, "Shame around having multiple sexual partners stems from outdated norms that stigmatize women more heavily than men for engaging in multiple relationships. This double standard upholds the idea that women should be sexually reserved, while men are encouraged to pursue conquests. As a result, women may internalize these feelings of judgment, impacting their self-worth and mental health."

Breaking free from this shame requires significant unlearning and self-development, which ultimately affects how people approach sex and dating. "It’s so arbitrary," adds Boynton. "If you’ve been single throughout your twenties, you’re likely to have been with more people compared to those in long-term relationships. It’s not something I worry about anymore because I’ve worked hard to disconnect from the shame between women and sex. I do keep a list on my phone, but mainly as a memory jog."

What’s ‘Normal’?

People still worry about whether their sexual experiences are "normal." "How many times a month is considered normal? How many sexual partners is considered normal?" These are frequent questions, according to sex coach Marie Morice. People often wonder, “Am I socially acceptable?” But, Morice explains, "When it comes to sex and erotic pleasure, there is no ‘normal.’"

This isn’t limited to women. Mike*, 39, reflects on how coming of age in the early 2000s – a time when pop culture glorified men with high numbers of sexual partners – affected him. "I went to a school full of toxic masculinity where sleeping around earned you status and validation. But looking back, it didn’t lead to many meaningful experiences. I can’t even name half the people I’ve slept with, which feels gross and makes it harder to form real, meaningful relationships."

In 2024, you’d think these outdated cultural scripts would have disappeared, but they persist. People continue to obsess over their "number" and what it says about them. "Some of my female clients still ask me how many partners they should have had by now," says Morice. The fixation on this arbitrary figure reflects the ongoing struggles with societal perceptions about sex and the limited openness around these conversations.

Fixation and Comparison

There are many layers to this issue. Some fear they’ve slept with too many people, while others worry they’ve had too few. Mia*, 31, shares, "I often worry about how little sexual experience I’ve had. Women my age are supposed to be entering their sexual prime, but I spent most of my twenties in a long-term relationship. I’m still figuring out who I am, sexually, outside of that. I feel ashamed that I’m not having enough sex with enough people."

This fixation on numbers underscores a larger problem in how we think and talk about sex. The importance placed on a figure like this reveals how skewed societal perceptions are and how little open discussion there is about sex. "We think everyone else is having better, more frequent sex than us," Boynton says. "This comparison culture is toxic."

No matter how many sexual partners you’ve had, comparing yourself to others only fuels negative self-talk and insecurity. This might be tied to worries about your body, self-worth, or sexuality. "The issue is we don’t have enough vulnerable conversations about sex," adds Boynton. "Until we do, we won’t be able to counter these perceptions."